Planning Planning Planning

Hello again!

I'm so glad that so many people read my last post! It was really cleansing for me to write it and the comments I got both here and on Facebook made me so happy. I've been having such a bitch of a time getting to sleep lately and as I laid in bed last night I got to thinking about what the next few weeks hold for me. What does my brain have planned for me? What do I have planned for me? It's a really hard but exciting time for me. I will be cutting out Effexor completely on Saturday and though I am expecting to feel a lot sicker, I'm not afraid. It will be such a good feeling not being addicted to something that doesn't help me...and that makes me fat. I am going to use my physical and emotional sickness during the detox period to not only detox my body, but detox my soul. I find myself sitting and feeling so angry that I've lost 4 years of my life. I sit and feel sorry for myself and ask myself  "What did I do to deserve this?". Thoughts like that will poison your brain and eat you alive. I'm forcing myself to realize that no one deserves some of the trials and tribulations they get served in life. Do cancer patients have cancer people they are bad people? Obviously not. Not I'm not sitting here comparing myself to someone that has cancer, I hope that's not how it comes across. I just mean that EVERYBODY, good and bad, has to go through hard times. It adds character and deepens your understanding for other people. Its hard to remember this when you are sailing through the eye of the storm though. You are just desperately trying not to capsize and drown...you're not thinking about sailing through the calm Caribbean,  in a bikini, drinking a mojito. No, your just thinking "Holy crap, I just need to hold on for dear life and pray that I don't die!". Someone once said to me that you are your strongest when you are at your weakest. That's true I think. I mean, WHEN I get through this, I will have nerves of steel....well that is if I don't completely lose it and live on the streets with a shopping cart full of doll heads and my pug dressed in baby clothes. But I'm kinda betting all my money on that not happening! (Although that would KINDA be funny). Anyways, as I was saying, I'm going to detox the shit out of my soul. Just purge out all the bad and let it go. If I keep letting it swim around inside of me I will never get better. I will just be full of so much poison that no therapy or medication could save me. I just need to give myself time to mourn the death of the person I used to be. Not in a depressed kind of way, just a "Its ok that you are gone, I'm letting you go to rest in peace" kind of way. Il be reborn as a new person. Thankfully, I happen to have the BEST support around me that anyone could ever ask for, so I'm sure my boyfriend, my dear friends and my family will still recognize me. I'm thinking of throwing myself a little "I'm not a mental case anymore!" party when I get to that point. Any excuse to throw a party ;)

The reason why this entry is called Planning Planning Planning is because we who carry the crazed monkey called panic anxiety on our back, tend to over-plan things. If we are going to do something we are afraid of then we need to plan E-V-E-R-T-H-I-N-G. We have to make sure that IF something happens, we have a way out. When I just go down the street to my friends place I literally use Google map every single time (always getting the same answer) to see EXACTLY how long it takes for me to walk from my place to their place. I need to think of all the places I can hide on the way if I start getting a panic attack. I need to know that my boyfriend can get me if I get a panic attack (my poor boyfriend is my private driver sometimes, god bless him for that). I need to have my purse full of the things I need: Anti nausea pills, all natural calming pills, a plastic bag to barf in (I never ever barf though....but I still need it! One of my best friends made a barf bag holder for me <3), my cell phone fully charged and my earphones. If I'm missing one of those items then il just lose it inside of me. I wont FREAK out but il get super nervous and uncomfortable. Notice: I don't really check to see if my wallet is there :P. The planning doesn't stop once I get to my destination thought. When I'm wherever I am I have to know how long it would take me to get outside, if they have a balcony (fresh air helps my anxiety if I start freaking out), I need to know who is there and where all the exits are. I mean, the list really is endless. All of this, just to get out of the house a little! I'm such a tard. If I walk my dog then I have to know exactly how long it will take and I cant be too far from the house. Anyways, my point is that we are obsessive planners. Well most of us. I think I might be a little more manic about it because of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Yay for me! I wonder, do any of you have obsessive or compulsive tendencies? Cleaning stuff that is already clean? Or maybe you get uncomfortable with plans all of a sudden change? I ask people it is a little known fact that almost everybody has some sort of obsessive compulsive tendency, or phobia, or even a touch of general anxiety. This is kinda gross but if you "go to the bathroom" (not NR. 1) often when you aren't at home then you may just have a touch of general anxiety! Which is completely normal and not anything to really give any thought. I just wanted my fellow loonies to know that we are completely normal. We are just a different kind of normal ;) a tad more "colourful" normal. Everybody loves Sheldon form The Big Bang Theory and I mean that guy is a plethora of problems! So maybe weird is more normal than we think, and normal is a little weird? My brain is knotting up so I will leave you all to ponder that topic. I never hide my anxiety from people and I urge you to not do that either. Don't hide your true self from the world, no matter how colourfully normal you may be. Let your freak flag fly! Don't get my wrong though, I'm not a self confident person....but that's a whole different story for a different day.

Talk to you soon!